I left Colombia with a clear committed single pointed sense of what I need to do. The feeling of love from the family gave me strength to still the quiver in my heart that had driven me nuts for months.
I was eager to come back.
I found myself arriving ‘home’ to what seems like a ‘borrowed’ time. I knew this is supposed to be my life, but it doesn’t feel like it, it was as if I walked into a stranger’s house and that stranger was me. I look around the space, to all the things that supposed to be mine, nothing felt real other than Luna the cat. It was like watching a movie of somebody else’s life, shock and disbelief that how could this be mine; the stench of pain and sadness so overwhelming. I cried for my old self, how did I manage to endure such prison for so long?
I knew what I have to do ( or so I thought)
What I thought would be an easy 1-2-3 step to put into action everything I knew I needed to do, was not easy at all!! I see the old me, I see the possibility outside this prison door and yet, I am in the space in between, caught between the past that no longer suit me and the future that is not yet here. Between those 2 spaces, I found myself once again in the familiar quiver of my heart, the battle between the mind and the heart; the fear Vs. the silent courage of the heart.
I am paralyzed
So easy I was lost in the merciless schedules and commitments, so attractive the torment of that familiar routine and to succumb to the familiar pain blurring the line of the past and the future. Like a junkie who is addicted to pain, I slowly move back into slumber, in my vision I can see the shackles slowly came around my wrists and I am about to let it, too overwhelmed to fight. I saw part of me surrendering back to old pattern then part of me struggling to stay up!! The saving grace always come from my beautiful sister /guardian – NANA. I saw her screaming for me to not go back inside, reach for the door, her sweet messages greet me as I woke up.
In the space in between, the past I have outgrown, the future I am not fully grown into yet. I am face with a choice, to go back or to move forward. I knew what I have to do!! I have to do it!
God, give me strength, give me courage, to reach for that door, close it tight blow it off with love and compassion as I have learned my lesson and let me walk out to my FREEDOM, and to a new chapter await.