People always assume that broken hearts are caused by romantic relationship gone bad. Well, that could be one of the causes but it is not always the case. As for me, I had long realized that my parents broke my heart, my sister broke my heart, some bad relationships made some damaged but the biggest culprit of all…was ME. I broke my own heart.
It may come as a surprise that I was the number one perpetrator in creating the pain in my own life. I have spent my teenage year rebelling against my parents, fighting my own revolution to fight for my own path and independence, in as much as they have broke me, I have most of all put myself in many life situations that was detrimental for my soul. My parents didn’t make me do it, my own anger create that hurt. Its true what they say holding onto anger is like holding onto hot coal and hope for the other person to burn, that’s not how things work. I spent years recuperating from that, years more to live in constant awareness of sobriety. 12 years and counting, I am very proud of this, even though there is part of my adult self that had never fully forgiven that teenage girl that lives in me.
My soul journey this year started since the beginning when life kept on throwing curve balls left and right, from slightly loosing my balance until I completely lying down on the floor surrendered-white flags raised unable to move, events in my life flashing through me, pain, guilt, everything that I have refused to look or thought I had looked through flashing by screaming for attention. I couldn’t handle the intensity, try as I might to find the yoga philosophy and practice in it, to incorporate my Buddhist Practice in it, I couldn’t. My sobriety tested, and I felt like a massive failure. I felt like a hypocrite, I felt that I have strayed so much from my truth that I don’t even know what is center for me anymore. Everything that I thought was up was down and vice versa.
I gave my Spiritual Teacher in Kathmandu so many frantic helpless crying phone calls “Help me..I am falling to pieces, and I don’t know how to patch myself up, what is going on?” Wangdu Rinpoche, wise and compassionate, would only say ‘don’t question, there are no need for question at time like this, only time for practice. Do your mantra, practice, answers awaits you’ My desire to escape reality and hide in his monastery was so strong, the only thing that hold me back was his message for me the beginning of the year when I went to see him, ‘Everything you need, I have given. Its time for you to return and I will see you next year’ At this time, next year is too many life times away, nevertheless diligently I did my mantra, withdrawn to the most silent and quiet space in my heart, then I wait and I listen.
The Universe is testing me. It is examination time to examine if I am equip for the ‘graduation’, only the school is my own life, the grades are all different life stages that I had been through, my past learning, all that I have learned put to test. When ‘Lemons’ continuously thrown, I had lied down on the floor admitted defeat and unwilling to move, fantasizing myself away in Boudha with my Guru wishing that he would take my pain away. I stayed down until I got sick of staying down, it is not me not to put up a fight. I had always been a fighter, I never gave up on me and I was not about to start.
But where to begin, how to get up….
I sit, chant and I listen
First destination: HongKong
As soon as the mind heard the heart whisper “Go to HongKong”, it went overdrive, thinking many things “What’s up with HongKong?” “when should I go” “but what if…” etc etc etc..
Funny how the universe works, it gave me reason to go there.
Reason No.1: Sothesby Auction house was having their Auction in October, I have always love art and what girl wouldn’t like to watch glistening Diamonds in auctions.
Reason No.2: Patrick Creelman – my Yoga teacher based there. I called my best buddy –Kenny to come with me to attend Patrick’s Class. Kenny answered was ‘you wont get a mat, maybe we go eat instead’ Nevertheless we went, Kenny was right, Patrick’s class notoriously full and people couldn’t get a space at such a last minute but by the Grace of the Universe, I got in!!
This was my first practice after everything fell apart this year. I LOVE Patrick’s class. The class was challenging, as always he would push to your limit and amidst that pushing, inspiring things he said, music he played, camaraderie built amongst other yogi when we push ourselves to do that one more Vinyasa: Chaturanga-Updog-Downdog: up and down and up. Amidst the sweat and course rhythm of my own breath, I cried –isn’t that how life is? Down – up and possible at some point somewhat down again. Unfortunately, this year I had spent mostly down then up, but just like that one more Vinyasa-no matter how burned up your arms get on your last Chaturanga, you get back up to your Downdog, Therefore, I must get up.
After the hard-core hour and the joy of reconnecting with my teacher. For the first time, in a long time, I felt released, relieved, I felt like huge boulder had been removed, if as if I was a ball that had been hit far out of the park, I have finally return back to Home Based. Just the realization and decision to get up and get back into the game was an act of salvation.
The beautiful weather in HK, fantastic food, good friends, beautiful art and as I was watching the beautiful HK view, I heard “listen to your Soul, it knows what it needs to get the healing that you need.”
With that, I was ready to return to the chaos that awaits me in Singapore…..
A loving invitation awaits me from my beloved friend/mentor- Jeremiah Abrams to attend his lovely work in Removing the Barriers to Love. He says ‘you need it and it would be good for you, with love, waiting to see you in Bali’