Second Destination: Ubud – Bali
Removing Barriers to Love
When Jeremiah Abrams’ sent you an invitation to say that you should do his retreat because you need it, you simply say YES. My heart was overjoyed when I saw that invitation though once again my head went into millions other over thinking nonsense. Jeremiah Abrams is known for his Jungian Psychoanalytic works. Over 40 years of experience of his known work on understanding your shadow (Dark Side), Dream and Symbols interpretation, all of those combine with understanding dynamic of relationship.
Going into the retreat, I was looking for new information and knowledge about building better relationship, discussing honestly about what had stopped us from being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to connect with another person from the heart, yada yada yada….so then it starts but what about to come out was nothing I could have prepared for.
Jeremiah used the Shamanic Journey and Holotropic Breatheworks to acquire symbols and materials to decipher our barriers.
Here what comes out for me: My Lama was there as my Spiritual Guide-His consciousness guides me through the journey. Before the journey started I had asked for all things that doesn’t serve me anymore, anything stored in my body, in my energetic body, to be cleared off. These includes things in material level, thoughts and idea or even people who are not good for me to be cleared off my path. I no longer want to carry them around. The deity Tara was present with me-the Tara Practice had been the practice that my Lama had given me throughout this difficult time. One of the most significant thing that had come out was my heart filled with arrows-BROKEN, massively injured at the very least. I was given tools and messages to no have no fear, I have been given everything I need to manifest anything I want that I am at the end and its almost over. At that point, I was sobbing violently, to hear that it was soon to be over, from my chest felt like a dam burst! My whole body was shaken as I continue to sob. In the journey my Lama gave me water to cleanse and to drink, after that I was just peaceful until we were brought back out of our journey.
I felt light.
Jeremiah pointed out several things:
1) The Broken Heart
2) My Spiritual Practice
3) Forgiveness and letting things go
The Broken Heart
The broken heart was the significant piece. It brought me back to the point I made in part 1 of this blog, family, partner broke my hear but I myself broke it. For the next couple of day I envision myself literally carrying around this broken heart, waking, eating and sleeping with it until I get tired then I started looking through all the events, life stages in my life that I thought I have closed, forgiven and forget, I haven’t. I may have forgiven my parents, forgiven my sister, forgiven my ex-boyfriend but I have never forgiven me. I had never let myself off the hook. I subconsciously have carried this brokenness and working around protecting this wound and unaware that I have operated from a place of FEAR to relate to other people, I have created a shield for my heart to protect it from ever get injured again.
It feels pain, massive sadness, disappointment and fear, because of all of these I have not been honest in my relationship, I have put whoever was my partner at arms length, I have never given myself fully, I have not allowed myself to be Vulnerable. As Jeremiah pointed out, the key to an intimate relationship is the willingness to be Vulnerable, the word itself means, the willingness to get hurt.
I have never allowed myself to be weak or to even admit that I NEED somebody, or that I NEED help, I would never allow myself to say it. If a person to ever say to me he is leaving, even if my heart breaks, I would not say to the other person ‘don’t leave, I need you to stay’ therefore, I betrayed my truth- I break myself.
Listening to others stories, everybody there such special souls, their stories had represented different stages of my life. They truly help me reflect on all different events and stages in my life. The message couldn’t have been more clear as to what I have to do. What I had refused to look early this year when things fell apart furthermore, it is time to let go of those old stories. As Jeremiah said, they are so old that they are rotten.
Jeremiah had helped me understood my early independence in life had dwarfed my ability in admitting that I need help, that I see myself as less value if I need help. I had started being independent from my parents since I was 13, I started smoking at 12, traveling on my own at 13 by 14 and 15 I book my own ticket, travel alone and by the time I was 18 I was out of the house and had never look back. I started everything early in my life,travel the world,made mistakes,achievements,heartbreaks,and so much joy. At this stage, everything that people my age group still do, I have been there done that, what’s next. Well, what is next is to slow down, review, heal myself before moving on to the next stage in my life.
Jeremiah helped highlight the integrity of my practice. In as much as I have come from a place of sincerity, I may have used it as a crutch. As I mentioned in part 1 of this blog, my sobriety and quitting all my vices had been one of the major accomplishment in my life.
Fast Forward 20 years from all those, I have finally quit all of my vices, smoking being the hardest after smoking for 17 years. Only to realize that I had possibly use my Spiritual Practice this time as a crutch. There is this part in me that is always wanting to ‘escape’ reality. Its too intense,I feel so much and I don’t want to feel.
Yes, it is possible to be addicted to your Yoga Practice, it is possible to be addicted to Your Spiritual Practice. It is important to reflect and to be reminded of the integrity and sincerity of the practice. How does it serve me? I need to always work on being in alignment with my Soul and my truth-I need to be the one that walk and fix the pain and the problem in my life rather than running away and fantasizing for my Lama or my spiritual practice to automatically fix my difficulties, no matter how small or big they are.
At the end of the retreat, we did a medicine wheel. For me, this is the time to finally end things, to cut the energetic cord to people that are no longer in my life, to drop away things that no longer suits me. Letting Go, Taking one last look, owning all my mistakes, applauding all accomplishments, forgiving that foolish angry girl and gave her a big hug, that it is time for us to move one, integrated as one. So I stood at the West Side of the Wheel, with the Bear as its guardian-The Bear Medicine. Its time to go ‘home’ – surrendering to the deep end of the cave, introspect, wrapping this up, closing door and wait for spring to come.
It had been such a valuable lesson for me. It took so much courage to dig deep, to see my own imperfections and to do something about it. In the shadow lies the treasure and as the shadow comes to light, there will be no other way other than for the light to shine even brighter. I invite everyone who is ready and tired of telling themselves the same story over and over again, to stay put for 2.5 days and go deep, for there lies the key to your transformation.
I wish you the same tenacity in pursuing yourself and your own journey and at the end I wish you Santosa-Contentment (in yourself).
I am not out of the wood yet. I am still in the process of clearing things, it had been emotional, it had been bittersweet but most of all it had been LIBERATING.
I am not ashamed to admit my mistakes, my difficulties as I live in my truth and may this truth bring you closer to yours.
Stay tuned for whats next…