My Lesson in Love
I am so abundantly in Love:
With my parents every encouragements, my brother vigorous loud laughter, my sister competitive way, nephew and niece priceless hugs and kisses, the silent kind hearted way of my brother in law, each time Luna drop down to get her belly tickles and each meow to remind me that she is the faithful companion, the meaning and purpose of life that my practice had brought, my fellow practitioners and friends who are the the beacon of light that shines on this Spiritual Life Journey that can get entangled and deeply isolating. I am especially in love with all my teachers for their steady unwavering strengths, guidance and patience that I can faithfully lean on. I am in love with life’s way in giving me lessons and making me work hard to be persistent in cultivating all these different relationships because at the end, this is life’s ultimate lessons, how much do you love, how much can you love, starting with yourself, your family and eventually your community.
I wasn’t always this emotionally healthy and independent. My understanding of love was as shallow as a kid’s pool. It was seven years ago that I took the plunge to the deep recesses of my heart, the dark intense journey of understanding who I am. It took me all those years to transform the fear of being in my own company and stop using others as crutches to deflect from seeing my own pain.
I was that girl who had always been in a relationship since I was a teenager. I had series of relationship and two ‘divorces’. 7 years ago, when I walked away from the person who was the Love of my life, I decided that it was time to finally for the first time in life to be in a relationship with me and learn the art of Self-Love. Boy that was hard!
Being single didn’t come naturally for me. It was not easy to break my own habit and my habit was being in a relationship, it wasn’t easy to break away from old belief pattern, and I had belief that love only exist in that of romantic relationship. It didn’t help that temptations were everywhere. I know in many cases it would be consider lucky to have many potential romantic relationships but not for a girl who doesn’t know who she was, that situation was not good, with each different people I was in relationship with, my essence got further lost as I let myself get defined by the person who I was in a relationship with.
Being single was not easy as it was easier to relent to the illusion of romantic relationship of the prince charming that would ‘save’ me from me or ‘save’ me from the nightmare that I call my family or from my life: to let this ideal person to take care of me, make me happy, be a friend and accompany me through and through. Many of us jump into a relationship for these reasons only to be disappointed again and again. It’s difficult to see through the illusion of why this romantic idea doesn’t last. Being single was not easy as I realized that I was somewhat ‘addicted’ to the thrill of the initial stage of relationship, which made resisting the suave charm of these men quite challenging.
For the number of times I resisted, there were number of others that I succumb into two or more of those temporary romances that ended with drama. All these relationships had come bearing lessons mainly they gave me more courage to be in my own company, they pull out the demons in me, brought up the biggest mirror to show me all that I am and I am not, the lovely things about me and the ugliest part of me. That is the beauty of failed relationship, they serve as a mirror, act as a guide. So kudos to two of what I can recall the worst relationship I had (RF and AC) my gratitude for being ‘teachers’ in my Love journey.
As I persisted to cultivate relationship with myself, slowly I learnt to enjoy my own company, I learnt to listen to the whispers of my own heart, the voice within that got lost before when I choose to please others and accommodate to others at the expense of my soul. Steadily there were no more moments of boredom or fear being in my own company and those feeling replace by a sense of peace and content solitude. I realized I love this person who I have become, broken with scars and imperfectly patched back up to whole. The flirtatious mischievous girl that still exist inside come out from time to time in pranks and tease those who I hold dear.
I had been searching for love only to realized that it had been within me all along and what it takes was to work on myself, to look deep into all the wounds of my own heart and the trauma of my life, to provide healing and love to myself so that I can finally see that I am Love, the manifestation of the Supreme Consciousness, or dare I say, the manifestation of God’s Love.
With this new understanding and being, it transforms relationships that I have in my life and I see that Love exist in all different kinds of relationship, even in the way I am with nature and the world in general. I learnt to let go of relationship that is hurtful and demeaning but it may look like they are just giving you ‘tough love’, learn to stop giving excuses to behavior that cause pain, old belief patterns that no longer serves my evolution, letting go of friends and people who vibrates in different frequencies. Although it was hard to change, to let go and saying goodbye; I understood this is another way of showing love, by allowing those people freedom to be their own way and respect myself that I don’t need to be absorb in their drama. Sometimes in life, we have to temporary part ways and do our individual works before we may come back into each other life once more (or maybe not)
All the hard work and tears had been worth it, I have become so comfortable in who I am in my own skin in my own being. I no longer do things in the way of should or shouldn’t; worry of what other people think; obsessing in the latest fashion (although I have to admit I still have my weakness for shoes). I understood now, that those only bring temporary approval, conditional Love. But as I marched to the beat of my own heart, melt in the softness of my own skin, relax in my own beauty and owning my freedom of choice to any belief, thoughts and actions that suits my growth and unapologetically being me, I taste that notion of unconditional love that comes from being my own best friend.
They said it takes 7 years for the cell of the human body to regenerates. Biologically, we are brand new people. We look the same, the change isn’t visible at least in most of us but we are all changed, completely, forever. I certainly believe this, I look the same, and yet absolutely transformed. I am no way the same as that girl that started her journey seven years ago and I am glad that I took that plunge; I am grateful for the journey and to find the wealth of solitude as I am my own best friend-my own savior.
So….I dare you to look into your HEART not your mind, who or what and how do you Love.
May you discover love and may you, your loved ones and all beings in the universe benefit from your love.
In Abundance of Love,