I am having a slight meltdown today, my body is moving around rounding up items I need for my trip to India while my mind is throwing tantrum the size of a 2 years old kicking and screaming ‘I don’t want to go!! I don’t want to do this!!you can’t make me do this’ (insert the sound of wailing, screaming and tears here) sigh…I stopped to have a meeting with the group I arranged to go with as we discussed what the next 3 weeks gonna look like and all the things we need to take with us, varying from our own toilet papers, towels, bed linens, food, etc , the conversation took on about the insane heat that we are going to face there, the long days and logistics of what we need to do to accumulate our 111, 111 prostrations as a group. Long arduous road ahead…. I listened to everything like I was out of my body while my body was shoving every sweet pastries and dessert I can order from there…
“why the F* am I keep doing this to myself, What the f* had I gotten myself into…” I was cursing myself up and down contemplating if I should flake out but that would mean once again, after 3 years since His Holiness Karmapa assigned me to do Ngöndro, I failed to complete it and not even the whole complete practice, I failed to complete the first stage. Now I am not a dogmatic person but when it come to my practice, I take it very seriously and continuous failure after 3 years just wont cut it. Time is running out
After I ate all the desserts including those of my friends’, at this point this does started to sound like an emotional meltdown blog entry, I felt a little calm.
I told myself I have seen and been in worse situations: events from those long 10 nights in #WestTibet #Mtkailash passed through my mind where there was no water, no shower, slept in a house made out of cow’s dung, mattress with a ‘you-don’t-want-to-know’ stained, room with 8 other strangers, the same clothes on all day everyday for the 10 days that once I took off those clothes along with them what felt like layers of skins, where there is no toilet and human waste mix with those of animals, I survived to guerilla myself cross the Tibetan border to the Nepal jungle and really there are too many others to list them all here… But that didn’t help, my mind wont let out, I feel the dread, I feel the heaviness the burden of the trip, my head trying to grapple for every possible excuses to not go.
The questions continue “why…why…why..why do I have to do all these struggles..”
To put it simply, I just can’t be positive today, I just can’t. I can’t give myself the pep talk I need, I just want to sulk and I am allowing myself this period to sulk away, feeling all the heaviness BUT when the travel day come, its game on, no more complaining, no more tantrum, calling on the ‘warrior spirit’ to charge forward fearlessly. Truth is you guys, this is essentially what #spiritualpractice is, despite the despair and the fear we move ahead, we do what we must to evolve. Despite the difficulties, the challenges we must complete and #takeaim to what we would like to achieve. Taking aim and having goals are so important to put things into perspective the difficulties that we have to endure, same with life. We have to have a proper goal of what we would like to achieve from our life to make the suffering we go through worth having, to make sense of them and to have the motivation to end them.
if you are having one of these days like mine, allow yourself the permission to feel bad, don’t judge yourself for not feeling positive or being positive. It is part of being human, we simply can’t be positive all the time, its unrealistic and if we won’t allow ourselves these ‘down’ days we will also be so hard on other people. So give yourself permission to wallow in pain, cry, throw tantrum for certain period of time then get up, straighten up and get back at it again.
After today, I won’t cancel the trip, the little 2 years old in me can continue throwing tantrum until we board the plane but for now we are going shopping: washing detergent, hangers, food utensils, bottle waters, water purifiers, bunch of vitamins, mosquitoes repellents, and on…and on…and on….