Do you ever wonder why you have an attraction toward certain type of food? Or are you one of those people who care about what you eat and care about eating healthy but you just have a paticular food vice that you have a weakness for?  I am typically a savory type of food eater, green juice fanatic, green vegetable obsess, I don’t consume dairy and no meat except for Fish BUT i have weakness for CAKE and Tarts.  Not cookies, not wafer, not biscotti, not pie but Cake, when it comes to cake, I can’t resist them.

StrawberryTart

Many people asked me what brought on this love for cake. My answer used to be ‘I don’t know, I just love them.’(which followed by rambbled  about the texture of the cake, the color of the frosting which nobody cares for, although it made sense now why those are the only thing I could say before).  But after being questioned often enough, I too get curious about this love for cake.  You see  although I love them, I don’t eat them everyday meaning I don’t go out to buy or look to eat them everyday but if I happen to have many visitors that week and we eat out all the time and if dessert options are always available then it would be highly likely that I will eat them in all of those occassions otherwise, I wouldn’t go out of my way to find them.  With that I could safely say that I am not addicted to cake 🙂

ArtisanCake

Nevertheless, I need to find out where this behaviour comes from.  To begin, I need to find pattern as to when this increase craving for cake happens.  I immediately look into the PMS window, which did not significantly increase the craving for cake exclusively as this window of discomfort can easily be soothed by other method.  I continued to observe myself, whenever there is ocassions of cake eating with friends, I quietly ask myself ‘what am I feeling?’ ‘what am I thinking’ nothing came up immediately.  It took me months of playing the interchangeable therapist/client role to a stubborn answer of ‘I just feel so happy when I eat cake. I feel like a child. silly, happy’ so I continued ‘what am I feeling’ ‘what am I thinking’ ‘what memory does it serve’ then one day I was having lunch by myself and treat myself to a cake when a flash of memory flooded me to tears.

StrawberryCustardCake

It was my mom.  The memory that I was seeing that afternoon was me watching my mom baked cakes:  I was watching her with so much adoration, and felt how I love her so much, what an amazing woman she is, the things she can create with her hands, we were laughing amongst the sweet smell of sugar mix with flour and eggs, we had fun as I poked my fingers in those beatiful frostings, I feel such love and happiness as I helped put tiny bits of decorations.  My mom an amazing cook and baker used to take cake order to help out with the family and being an independent woman that she is to bring something for herself.  That was one of my fond memories of my mom when she was my everything and I was 5 years old then I grew up and life happens as we grew millions miles apart.  That afternoon hit me that I was ‘eating’ the happy memories, the cake was just happen to be there, I can’t eat memories, my subconsious had driven my conscious mind to go get cake when I am missing feeling ‘down’ and needed to have that mom’s sweet love.  The cake had become a replacement for the memories and the love.

Mom in Nepal

Deep in my subconscious, I had replaced the idea of her with cake, her love equals to the sweetness of the cake.  Our subconscious is a strong force, those memories embedded deep into the psyche can drive the conscious mind to make a decision that the rational mind will not be able to understand and in a worse case scenario should it become an addictions, it would be difficult to stop.  It took me a year to unlock this.  As a psychologist, I understand the complex relationship we have with food, that is why food disorder is one of the most difficult  to treat because it goes back to that fragile emotional time frame embedded deep into the psyche and requires a lot of vulnerability to be brought up to light.  Most occassions, it takes much time to get deep into it as the defense mechanism of the ego could be even stronger should the memory embeded is one of a trauma.   Therefore, people battling food addictions and obesity, it is important to work together with a team of psychologist, nutritionist and personal trainer.

Mom in Nara

Now, I can say that cakes make me happy but most importantly it reminds me of all the lessons that my mom had taught me: to be a woman, it is good to be beautiful and care for our appearance but more more important is to be a woman of intelligence and knowledge; to be a woman of courage and embody the feminine strength.  So as I am aware of the reason of this cake craving: do I go for the cake or do I call mom? I think I call mom, its less calorie 😉 and way more love.

Grateful for my mama
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Let me know your food vices, how you feel about them and if you need help with anything =)